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Jun 2017 - Present

Friends with Benefits

Steven Zawada

Wauconda, IL, United States

  • Flexible availability at the whim of partner's libido
  • Superior avoidance of eye-contact during fuck time
  • Constant reciprocation of climax

Jan 2016 - Present

Online Dater


Chicagoland Area, IL, United States

  • Experience filtering potential candidates for partnership through email, text, and personal interaction
  • Managing personal expectations of mysellf and would-be suitors
  • Taking the positives from each potential partner and incorporating them into partnership objectives
  • Survival of dates ranging from creeptastic to coma-inducing snooze fests to exhilarating glimmers of hope, affirming the purposes of the job

Jan 2016 - Present

Serial Make Out Artist and Wing Woman

Self and Friends

Chicagoland Area, IL, United States

  • Perfecting bar room make out techniques with a range of individuals including visitors from Europe, sweaty dance partners, friends of friends, brothers of friends, sisters of friends, and the guy with the ugly red watch that my best friend insisted I talk to despite the fact that he had the aura and mannerisms of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.
  • Avoidance of commitment, disease, lengthy and/or serious conversations, and anything besides a one-night performance of duties
  • Providing a shoulder to cry on, toilet to puke in, couch to pass out on, and aspirin to choke down for all bar hopping buds

Oct 2011 - Jan 2016

Hopeless Devotee to My First and Only Love


Woodstock, United Kingdom

  • Unequivocal, undying love for partner/object of affection despite incredible obstacles, denial of mutual feelings, conflict of interest with other partners, and unfortuante situation regarding employee/employment relations
  • Endurance of epic and repeated heart break due to a fickle nature of one party/s affections and relationship status




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